So it has been far to long.
I am not 26 and 3 years have pasted since my post. Different time same all shit broke, and busted, lol. well like is different now i guess. i have been trying to conceive a baby for the past year and a half, with no luck. fact # 1 i am over weight. that has a lot to do with it. dumb bitches are like i was fat and got prego. well you are lucky and yes weight does have to a lot to do with it because when you are obese like me you produce hormones that mess things up. it is that simple. why is it always the Old Mexican ladies or busted wives that have to always put their 2 cents in? who have like 5-6 kids and live on welfare? who's kids are dirty and nasty. why are they they ones who have kids and always have something to say? or how about the busted parents who are in and out of jail and have never worked not one day of there life, who have like 4 kids? everyone else is raising them while their stupid asses are busted in jail for being a fuck up? but people like my husband who serves his country and me who works and goes to school cannot get a break? no even on having a baby? oh i know cause shit happens and that is the way it is.
about 3 months ago we started to really get into the whole infertility thing. well as always the woman is the one who is messed up right? yes in my case I am the broken one. my hubby his man juice is so good he could sell it on the street, well if you want a dark as Mexican baby that is. lol, well i an not ovulating that is one main reason.
since i have not been ovulating my Dr. says here take then hormone to bring you period down since i have not had one in like 5 months. i was like yea ill take it what ever you want me to do to get pregnant. want me to wash your car jump through a fire burning hoop? I'll do it as long as we can make me have a baby right? any ways. i take the meds and bam like 10 days later a full blown period. so full blown i am still bleeding like Niagara Falls 12 days later.Once again i find myself at my Doctor's office. he says vaginal ultra sound is what we need. i am like damn i am bleeding like i got one of my limbs chopped off and not to mention the smell of blood coming from your forbidden zones smells like, NASTY, but i suck it up and get the damn vaginal ultrasound.
so he moves the damn prob right ot left, left to right. ok there we have a thick lining of the uterus i am thinking ok that can mean many things some like cancer, more bleeding. as I about to " Cry me a River." he says lets do a endometrial biopsy. I almost shitted my pants. i used to do those when i worked as a Medical Assistant to patients, and let me tell you those things are painful and look like some medieval torturing shit is happening in your vagina. so I say lets do it, right because i want a baby and i'll so what ever i need to get done. well turns out since they had just moved location. They did not have any supplies in. damn i have to come back lol. many of you may think but you were saved, no not really. now i wait for the evil vagina torture till Monday.
I go home and cry, because that is what women do we cry and we do that a lot. I call my dad ( big daddy's girl) and tell him. i cry on the phone, and explain to him how trying to become a mother is really taking its toll on my life. he says you do what you can only do and always move forward. my dad always makes me feel love no matter what. my husband is off on base doing 24 hour duty. i still have to tell him.
i really in my heart think my husband doesn't really understand what is happening here. he doesn't know how i feel or how this whole trying to make a baby and i am the one with the issues makes me feel. it makes me feel broken. like my body is meant to have a child but here i am willingly and yet nothing. in fact " my body" says bitch please you wished you could have a baby. i feel like i am not just holding myself back from having a baby, but i am hold my husband back from becoming father. its a feeling i wish upon no one. anyways i go to the store after the doctor's office and bump into a old Mexican lady that used to live in my old apts. i talk to her for a bit and she ask any kids yet i tell her no not yet them she says like every other Mexican lady i know, its cause you think about it to much don't think about it and it will happen. than i ask her, "how many kids you have? she says 6. I tell her, " Of course you do."
